Friends are the family we choose

Friends are the family we choose.

Society exalts no institution higher than family. Of course, in individual situations, family warrants primacy.

But before we reflexively bow down before the hallowed institution of family, we should invoke our understanding that one size does not fit all.

Rather, you decide your life and what you consider primary because we choose our friends rather than having had them thrust upon us in the genetic and marital lotteries.

When someone we love dies, no matter if they are family or a friend, the grief is the same. I usually give special condolences to friends of the deceased during a funeral service because they are hurting just as much as any family member.

We often spend more time with friends, share more of ourselves, share so many of life’s experiences, and become closer than we were to any family member so when that friend is very sick, or diagnosed with a serious illness, or actually dies, our grief can be overwhelming.

When my beloved cousin died suddenly at only 57, I found I had to explain to people that “I loved him like a brother” before there was any inkling of understanding of why I was grieving so badly.

There was a recent article in a newspaper, titled “My best friend of 50 years knew me better than anyone. But when she died, no one seemed to take my grief seriously”, and this is what I’m talking about.

There is no special gauge which measures our grief or compares our grief, and there is no legitimacy in saying “my grief is worse than yours”.

Grief is our response to loss, loss of not only the person, or pet for that matter, but loss of our lives as we knew it, loss of what we thought our lives were going to be, loss of a shared future and it often reshapes how we see ourselves.

Grief is so complex and there are so many causes of grief, not just death or the prospect of death, and all I can say is, when you’re speaking to someone who is grieving, just be kind, if you can be anything, be kind.

Or if you’re grieving, be kind to yourself, acknowledge your pain, be your own best friend.

Losing someone you love really sucks, it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, but things will get better, your grief will ease over time, and if you need to talk to someone, please do it, even if it’s someone on the other end of a phone at Grief Australia https://www.grief.org.au/because when we’re grieving, we need all the help we can get. Email: info@grief.org.au Phone: 1800642 066

By Lauren Newman